i’m eating an apple, and i just bit to the core. thus, the makings of this title.

i just had a good talk with one of my roomies. we talked about what we’re going through, the thoughts we’re processing, the journey we’re traveling on.

it wasn’t the ‘typical’ topics of “how we’re doing”. it was the sharing of the core of our state– the emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical. health is not only about the spiritual state, and sometimes i get caught up in my spiritual coverings– the immediate blessings or moments with God that i’ve experienced. but really, how am i doing as a whole person, beyond all the smiles, activities, and rituals?

this talk was really eye-opening– my eyes opened again to the core of myself. God confronted these things again: my past hurts, feelings, insecurities, friendship situations, family upbringing, etc etc etc. i wanted to run away from these things, ignore them, shove them into my bookbag and keep on marching…

but God won’t let me. today, he reminded me that he intends to fix me from the inside out. we can keep on walking with that heavy bag, but very honestly, we won’t get very far. as unpoetic and un-eloquent this allegory is, God doesn’t want me to walk with this heavy bookbag, which is my security blanket, the thing i ignore but hold onto. (unconsciously, i’m holding onto all these false identities.) he wants to take it away from me and give freedom. he wants me to run.

you know, it took awhile to get to the core of the apple. i had to pierce through the tough skin, and then bite away. one two three i bit and bit. but i finally got to the core, and when i saw the core i saw seeds.
sometimes we are seeds covered by a mess and a hard exterior. it takes time to chip away at those, but i’m longing for it– life, because life is always at the core. and seeds…. we’re just seeds at the core waiting to be exposed so that we can finally grow.

(hope this made sense. it’s okay if it didn’t)

Because people are having real, and helpful, spiritual experiences in certain areas of their lives– such as worship, prayer, Bible studies, and fellowship– they mistakenly believe they are doing fine, even if their relational life and interior world is not in order. This apparent “progress” then provides a spiritual reason for not doing the hard work of maturing.


God intends our deeper, truer self, which he created, to blossom freely as we follow him God has endowed each of us with certain essential qualities that reflect and express him in a unique way. Part of the sanctification process of the Holy Spirit is to strip away the false constructs we have accumulated and enable our true selves to emerge.

Peter Scazzero


Set it [our humanity] free to develop richly, in all its capacities, under the influence of grace.

Thomas Merton 


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